Get these thoughts outta my brain!

Ok, so this is gonna be one of those posts thats more for me than anything else, and its gonna be a long one. Over the past few years, I have been struggling with something that is really personal to me, and in the last few months, I feel like I've had the worst of it. I don't share these thoughts because I want answers or sympathy. I share them because this is my new way of journaling and I want to keep my thoughts somewhere I can read and re-read them when I feel like I need some encouragement.

I don't like to burden people with my problems so if you feel hurt I haven't shared this with you, don't be. Kirk rarely hears this stuff and my mom has no clue! :) I have about 50-bagillion thoughts written on a tiny piece of paper so I would remember all I wanted to say so hopefully I will make sense and get everything out.

I think along time ago, Satan realized what my biggest weakness was. It wasn't peer pressure, drugs, alcohol or all that normal stuff. It was and is myself. I try to be a very self motivated, non-lazy person but sometimes, I need a lot of extra help. For example, if I have a list of things to do but I turn on the TV to watch a half hour program, I won't get anything done because that half hour of TV will turn into 4 or 5 hours. Thats laziness. Exhibit B - when I wanted to work at a salon full time, I mulled it over in my head for months before I got the guts to move on with my life and take a chance. Thats self-motivation.

Anyways, so Satan knows that I am my only stumbling block on my road back to our Heavenly Father and he really works me over. My biggest hurdle to jump over has been this in between stage of marriage where you're not newlyweds but your not parents yet. I remember something similar when I was out of high school and an adult, but I wasn't married yet. I hated that time! But I do remember a specific day when I 'cut the cords' so to speak with the drama of the dating world and focused on getting myself to where Heavenly Father needed me to be. It was only a couple months after that day when Kirk and I started dating. That's where I want to get with this in between stage of my married life and I've been trying for almost 3 years to figure out how to do that.

Specifically, my most obvious problem has been that I don't have any kids. Now, I'm gonna clear some things up real quick and maybe people will quit asking and 'bugging' me about this. Yes, Kirk and I have tried to have kids. No, we have not had any success. Yes, we want kids and yes we have been to the doctor to get all the tests done. When you've been trying for as long as we have and not had any success, its hard to keep anger towards other couples, friends, family and even our Father in Heaven at bay. I tried to avoid the topic for a long time. I didn't like to hold babies, I held my tongue every time someone asked us when we were gonna have kids or if we even wanted them. I think the beginning of my turning point was last conference when there was some talk, I don't know who or what they were talking about but something was mentioned about people who don't start families because they are waiting for specific things to happen or that they are selfish and would rather have a dog then a baby. Obviously that bothered me because its been 5 years since I was married and I have a dog.

I was just so angry with that talk. I didn't want people thinking that about me because we do want a family. I do want to fill my role as a mother. And thats another thing. Let me side track for a minute. All this time when my anger and resentment was building up, I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself because I wasn't getting to fulfill my divine role. I would ask Heavenly Father, what am I doing wrong? How come people who aren't even ready or people who are teenagers or drug addicts get to have kids? Why can't we have that blessing? We have done everything right in our lives. Everything.

So, after this talk is when I really began to try everything I could to start a family and get out of this in-between stage. Things were looking good and bad. Good because we are healthy adults but badly because that ment nothing was preventing it but ourselves and also bad because we don't have alot of money for the 'special' procedures and such. I was down. I felt so low. Then I started feeling alone. There's nothing worse then being constently surrounded by people but still feeling alone. Another side track...I think sometimes women in my stage in life get forgotten alot. Because we don't have the constant nagging or stress of a family life, people think our lives are peachy-keene and we have no worries. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. We struggle, sometimes alot more. So don't forget us.

So, right before girls camp, I was feeling this low. My mind and heart totally shut down. I didn't even want to go to camp. And for those of you who know me, I absolutly LOVE girls camp. I would give anything to go. So for me, this was big. I went to camp feeling numb for almost the whole entire time. It wasn't until Sunday at testimony meeting that things started to change. I knew something was wrong with me. I didn't want to hold my feeling in any longer. I wanted to feel something, anything. I prayed and prayed the whole meeting for that. Finally, after many good testimonies were borne, one in particular hit me. I don't remember what she said, but the spirit I felt was so strong. That afternoon, we had our bishop time. I was priviledged to share some intimate experiences with our young women, two in particular that touched me so deeply. I know that these girls are strong. They have so much tempting them but despite that, they hold strong. I figured, if they can do it, why not me? I decided from that moment on, I was going to start feeling that spirit daily and that I needed to feel it in order to heal the anger I had inside. (This is starting to sound like one of those LDS movies, lol)

Anyways, since then, I have been reading my conference ensign, reading the scriptures and trying my hardest to pray every day. I know that if I do what I'm supposed to do, Heavenly Father will bless me. It may not be in the way I see I need, but it will be in the way Heavenly Father sees that I need. Even before my trials, I knew that I'm not in control of my life and that Heavenly Father gives us struggles that he knows we can handle. I always know the answers to my problems. It seems like when I'm struggling with anything in my life, when I pray, the answer is always 'you know what you need to do.' Its the putting what I know into action that is the hardest for me.

So, now, I'm resolved to have a better attitude, to serve more, to not be resentful, to not hate others who have what I desire most and most importantly, to develop a more meaningful, loving and grateful relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know that if I do that, my testimony will be strengthened, which is another subject I am working on. I'm not quite brave enough to bare my testimony in sacrament yet but I am trying, little by little to share it and not be afraid to let out my emotions. So if you see me crying, its not because I'm sad. It's because I'm finally learning how to express myself. :)

So, some other things I have learned:

1.) If you fail at a trial, you will get it again, so just suck it up and do what you need to do to get through it.
2.) I am the exception, I always have been. I do things my own way and I don't follow the crowd and that is a good thing, as long as my heart is willing to keep up.
3.) Our trials are to help bring us to a state of humility so we can draw closer to our Savior.
4.) Bareing your testimony and crying pretty much go hand in hand. I need to suck it up and let everyone see me cry because bareing your testimony is the best way to strengthen it.
5.) Having trials is a blessing. It helps us discover who we truely are and who Heavenly Father wants and needs us to be. We are living in the dispensation of the fullness of times and we need to be strong. We need to be the people Heavenly Father needs us to be.

I do know that my Savior lives and loves me. He bore my sorrows and sins. He knows what I'm going through and will help me endure. I know that our ward and stake leaders are called of God. I know our Bishop is divinely inspired, especially when it comes to the youth. I am so blessed to be able to work with the young women. I think about them constently. They have been a source of great comfort during my silent struggles. They don't know it, but I consider them a part of my family, my 'daughters.' I love them so much. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I know I can live with them again. I thank Heavenly Father each day for my wonderful and loving husband. He teaches me so much. I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. I'm glad I struggle and I'm glad that there is a way for us to overcome them.